The Nazgul
by thecoffeebringer
Summary: This story is, um, well, most out of character for me. I wrote it at night, but it's still pretty funny. Anyway, Nazgul attack the Fellowship, with a twist. Legolas, as always, saves the world. Read it, or don't. Lauren must read it.


Author's Note: My friends and I agree that Sean Bean should rhyme. It doesn't, but it should. 75% of the letters are identical! It's a conspiracy I tell you.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that Tolkien owns for obvious reasons.  
  
Story:  
  
Chapter 1: Frodo  
  
Once upon a time there were four hobbits, two men, a wizard, a dwarf, and a very girly elf. The girly elf was complaining about getting his hair windblown outdoors. However, this story does not involve THOSE people, but another group who were camped two miles behind them. In this fellowship were four hobbits, a wizard, a dwarf, and a very manly elf. The four hobbits were named Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Merry Brandybuck, and Pippin Took. The men were named Aragorn and Boromir, and they were both very greasy. The wizard and dwarf were named Gandalf and Gimli, respectively. The manly elf was named Legolas.  
  
"Guys," said Frodo, "my ring is evil."  
  
"Oh, that's all you ever talk about!" said Aragorn, "my ring is evil, Nazgul are chasing me, Sam made a pass at me. Can't you talk about something else?"  
  
Frodo was hurt at these words and began to cry. The tears magnified his spectacularly blue eyes and drew the attention of the most deadly foe in all of Middle Earth. For at that moment, nine ominous figures clad in black rode up to the company. They pulled back their hoods revealing the most terrifying sight Frodo had ever seen, none other than the dreaded,  
  
"Fangirls?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"NOOOOOO!" said Frodo.  
  
"Awwwwww! Look at his eyes, they're so blue!" cried the first Nazgul. That was followed by unintelligible screaming as the Nazgul proceeded to tear Frodo's clothes off."  
  
"Take the ring!" he shouted to them, "Just take the stupid ring!"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship watched in terror as the Nazgul stripped Frodo completely naked except for the ring.  
  
"Curse those evil fangirls!" said Legolas in a very manly and intelligent voice.  
  
"Bless those fangirls!" said Sam staring at Frodo.  
  
The Nazgul then departed with Frodo's clothes.  
  
"I'm naked" said Frodo despondently.  
  
"It's okay, Frodo," said Legolas kindly, "you can wear my shirt,"  
  
"NO!" said Gandalf, "Do you know how many of those things will attack us if you take your shirt off? Let Frodo walk naked."  
  
"So I guess the feet of a hobbit are the only appendages that are disproportionately large," Gimli commented to a naked Frodo as they walked along.  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Merry and Pippin  
  
The Fellowship walked on to Rivendell where they met Elrond.  
  
"Dude, you're naked" said Elrond to Frodo.  
  
The next morning a secret council was assembled to determine who would join the Fellowship to destroy Frodo's evil ring, even though it was already formed at this point. (a/n: ok, so I didn't really plan the story out, sue me.) It was decided that Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn, Sam, Boromir, and the manly elf Legolas would accompany the naked Ringbearer Frodo on his quest to destroy the ring. Then, something most unfortunate happened.  
  
"Hey, we're coming too!" said Merry.  
  
"We are so cute with our bravery and our loyalty to Frodo!" said Pippin.  
  
"Yes, and our banter is just adorable!" said Merry.  
  
Then it happened,  
  
"Besides," said Pippin, "you need people of intelligence on this mission. . . quest. . . thing."  
  
"Well, I guess that rules you out Pip!" said Merry.  
  
"Very well," said Elrond, "you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
"Great," said Pippin, "where are we going?"  
  
Suddenly the earth trembled and nine cloaked figures descended upon the council, they pulled back their hoods to reveal themselves once again as,  
  
"Fangirls?" asked Elrond.  
  
"Awwwwww! That's sooo cute! They're so funny!" the Nazgul proceeded to scream and giggle while they tore the clothes off Merry and Pippin leaving them naked.  
  
"yep," said Gimli observing the naked hobbits, "definitely can't judge a man by his feet."  
  
Chapter 3: Gimli  
  
The Fellowship which now consisted of three naked hobbits, one fully dressed hobbit, a dwarf, a wizard, two men, and a very manly elf marched on towards Moria.  
  
"You know," said Gimli, "my fathers used to live here."  
  
Suddenly two figures in black rode up to the Fellowship and revealed themselves to be,  
  
"Fangirls?" said Legolas.  
  
"Awww," said one of the Nazgul half-heartedly, "he's kind of cute, when he talks about the other dwarves. . .kind of. . .in a way."  
  
"Why are there only two of you?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Because it's Gimli, dude," said one of the Nazgul. They proceeded to half- heartedly tear Gimli's clothes off leaving him completely naked.  
  
"Now that," said Boromir, "is something I did NOT want to see!"  
  
Chapter 4: Gandalf  
  
Luckily, while they walked through the mines of Moria, the Fellowship encountered a Balrog and Gandalf fell to his death, rather than being attacked by fangirls. All were happy, because it was universally acknowledged that nobody wanted to see Gandalf naked.  
  
Chapter 5: Aragorn  
  
After Gandalfs unfortunate "death," Aragorn was in charge of leading the company. He gathered all his strength and in a very brooding and angsty voice told the Fellowship that they must go on for the good of the world. Then he mentioned, "You know, I'm king."  
  
It was his undoing. Immediately after he had spoken these words, a great shadow was felt upon the company, and they saw nine figures clad in black approaching. They revealed themselves as,  
  
"Fangirls!" said Frodo in horror.  
  
"Awwwwwww! He's sooo angsty and intense! And he's the king!" the Nine dreaded warriors squealed among themselves. Then they proceeded to tear the clothes off Aragorn.  
  
"NO!" he shouted to them, "Take Frodo, look he's crying. Doesn't it make you want to comfort him? Or look at Legolas, he's so brave, and he's got pointy ears! Pointy ears!"  
  
It was no avail though. The Nazgul stripped him naked, and they Fellowship saw that he had amazingly sculpted abs, but they were hardly enough to detract from. . .  
  
"Wow!" said Gimli laughing, "and I thought hobbits were small people."  
  
Chapter 6: Sam  
  
A naked Aragorn led the Fellowship which consisted of three naked hobbits, a naked dwarf, a fully clothed hobbit, elf, and man. They came to the forests of Lórien in which they were given a rather inhospitable welcome by the elves.  
  
"Whoa, Aragorn," said Haldir, "it isn't that cold in here."  
  
"Shut up, you girly twit," said Aragorn, "we need shelter from the rabid fangirl Nazgul."  
  
"Okay."  
  
So the Fellowship rested in the Golden Wood peacefully, until. . .  
  
"I think I'll go do something stupid," said Sam.  
  
Suddenly, a coldness fell upon the woods, that even the power of Galadriel could not repel. "Oh no," said Legolas, "curse those evil Fangirls!"  
  
Yes, a lone fangirl had indeed come to tear the clothes off Sam. She seemed very drunk.  
  
"Wow!" said the Nazgul, "I think I left my standards at the bar!"  
  
Nevertheless, she proceeded to strip Sam naked while he cried for her to stop.  
  
"Please! Please! I don't like girls! Oh, help me Mr. Frodo!"  
  
Then the poor hobbit was left naked along with the three other hobbits, Gimli, and Aragorn. Boromir and Legolas alone retained their clothes.  
  
Chapter 7: Boromir  
  
The Fellowship set out in pretty little boats from Lothlórien. Sam and Frodo could not be seen in their boat, but it was noticed by more than one member of the Fellowship that said boat was strangely shaking and rocking.  
  
They landed on a lawn. It had plastic flamingos on it, and everybody agreed it was very pretty. Boromir followed Frodo into the woods and asked him for the ring, then he demanded it, then he tackled him and tried to forcibly take it. Then he cried, because he was conflicted. He wanted to help his people so much. But it was in the following minutes that Boromir would make his mistake. He leapt into battle against some orcs trying to carry off naked Merry and Pippin. He bravely slaughtered many of them.  
  
Suddenly, nine terrifying figures in black approached.  
  
"No!" said Boromir turning white, "but I'm the bad guy! My name baffles 4 point students, one of them was accepted to Harvard! (see author's note) You can't be in love with me!"  
  
"Awwww! He's so conflicted! And he's so brave to defend Merry and Pippin! I always cry at this part!" screamed the Nazgul in high-pitched voices. They proceeded to kill the mean Uruk-hai that was about to shoot him, and stripped the handsome warrior of all his clothes.  
  
"No! Let him kill me! Please!" In a desperate attempt to escape, he blew the horn of Gondor to call for help from the rest of the Fellowship.  
  
"I'd like to blow your horn!" screamed one of the fangirls ecstatically. They finished stripping him, but he inexplicably died anyway.  
  
"Aw, darn!" said Gimli when they found their friend dead.  
  
Chapter 8: The Destruction of the Ring  
  
After the heroic death of Boromir, the Fellowship split up with Sam and Frodo going to Mordor to destroy the Ring, and the rest of the Fellowship traveling after Merry and Pippin, who had been taken by orcs.  
  
A lot of stuff happened, interesting stuff. They met people, and Gandalf was reincarnated and some pointless battles were fought. At last they came to about mid way through the third book at the part where Aragorn leads the forces of Gondor to the gates of Moria to draw attention away from Frodo (a/n: if you haven't read the books, pretend I didn't say that) The mouth of Sauron came out to address the company.  
  
"Dude," he said to Aragorn, who was still naked, "That makes me feel so much better about myself."  
  
"Shut up! You people are annoying!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Well," said the mouth of Mordor, "Frodo got to the slopes of Mount Doom, but Sauron saw him and sent an army of fangirls to meet him. He'll be at his cutest now—tired, completely helpless. They'll destroy him!"  
  
"No!" said Aragorn, "then the world is doomed!"  
  
"Not quite," said Legolas who was standing at the front of the line because he was manly and brave, "I still have my clothes on. The fangirls did not rip them off me. If I took them off, it might draw their attention away from Frodo."  
  
"But you. . ." said Aragorn looking horrified.  
  
"I must," said Legolas bravely, "for the salvation of the world." And with these words, the sexiest of all elves unbuttoned his shirt. Immediately, the thousands of fangirls who had flown with the speed of the winds to Frodo, turned and sped toward Legolas instead. Frodo was free to reach the Cracks of Doom where he put on the ring like an IDIOT and claimed to be the new Dark Lord. Luckily, Gollum bit his finger off and fell into the fire. So it was all okay.  
  
The Nazgul flew towards Legolas squealing unintelligibly about his pointy ears and his valiant bravery, and his "skills" at archery. They descended on him like a deep shadow and proceeded to tear away his clothes. At that moment, Mount Doom exploded for the Ring had been destroyed, and the Fangirls vanished with cries of, "but he's so gorgeous!"  
  
Legolas was alive, but naked. His uncanny good looks and bravery had saved Middle Earth.  
  
The End  
  
Really sorry, that's all I can say. It's all Lauren's fault really. She stopped talking to me on IM and left me to write this. Plus she insulted Legolas in her story so I had to insult Aragorn in mine. You know how it goes. Reviews would be, um, well, I'll leave that up to you. Flames are okay. 


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